Top 10 Doctor Who Cliches

Doctor Who. The show long since considered Great Britain's Star Trek. In it, a 900-year old alien named the Doctor travels the universe with his companions in a time machine shaped like a blue police box. After a long hiatus, the show was brought back and reinvigorated in 2005. But what are the screenplay cop-outs most commonly used in the series? Here's a list.

10.The Doctor's Tardis (Time and Relative Dimensions in Space) only breaks down when it's a key plot point in the story.

9. The more grating an alien's voice is, the more evil the creature is.

8. Evil alien planets are always the same--one religion, one culture, one philosophy, one language, one climate, identical aliens, and often identical clothes.

7. The Doctor, along with many other aliens, have British accents.

6. The skeptical character is always the first to die.

5. If the Doctor decides to revisit a certain point in the Earth's history, it will be the exact same time and place when an evil alien species is secretly planning to take over the world.

4. Often, and for no apparent reason, the Doctor will start running to dramatic music. This is to give the illusion of a big budget. These scenes are often filmed in the suburbs of south England.

3. People in the future (as well as many alien species) talk, act, dress, and look just like normal humans in 21st Century Britain.

2. London is the center of the universe. It's where aliens always come to invade, and it's where the Doctor always comes back to.

And, finally...

1. No one ever notices a blue phone booth suddenly materializing out of thin air. Ever. The Doctor can always find a deserted street in London to park his Tardis on, and even if he goes back to the medieval era, no one will think twice about it.

Pee Wee's Big Adventure (1985)

Another movie from director Tim Burton, this was actually his first feature film. And it's funny, how you can compare some of his extremely dark movies with the upbeat family comedy Pee Wee's Big Adventure, the hit that jump started his career. And who is Pee Wee, you might ask? Well, he's a childlike character played by Paul Reubens, and...that's pretty much all that's known about him. But the unimportant things don't matter. This movie kicks @$$.

Pee Wee Herman (Reubens) is an oddball child in the body of a man whose favorite possession is his bike. But when it gets stolen, he must go on a journey to retrieve it, which takes him from his small town to the Alamo to Hollywood. Along the way, he meets many interesting characters, and often offers them his unusual advice.

This is a weird movie in that it can be both hilarious and terrifying to children. Along with the comedy there's some dark atmospheric scenes, the "Large Marge" character who morphs into a ghoul, and a surreal dream sequence where clown doctors tear apart Pee Wee's bicycle...all "humorously presented", of course. Actually, my favorite scene has got to be when Pee Wee invites all his friends over to try and find out where his bike went. It's so dark and moody, it feels straight out of a murder mystery.

How can you describe Pee Wee? Well, it's like the world from the eyes of a child, and that's why it's awesome. Another great part is the climax, in which Pee Wee finds his bike at Warner Bros. Studios gets chased by a bunch of security guards through the sets for different retro movies--a Godzilla flick, a Christmas movie, a beach party film--and accidentally messes up all the filming. Actually, that's another way to describe this movie: retro. Everything has a weird 1950s ambience that Tim Burton's usually known for. Also, there are some really cool filming locations used in this movie. I won't spoil it, you'll have to see it for yourself.

And another thing...what does Pee Wee do for a living? He lives in every child's dream house, full of all sorts of gadgets and toys, and he has a cool bike, but it's never explained how he has the money for them. Is he an inventor? A telemarketer? Did his parents die and leave him a big fortune? If so, that's kind of morbid.... But also, Paul Reubens played a drug dealer in the movie Blow, so that might hold part of the explanation.

With fun humor, good special effects, and a memorable protagonist, Pee Wee's Big Adventure is truly underrated. However, not everyone thinks that. The movie's whopping 100% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes.com has dropped by nine points, and the Tim Burton-less 1988 sequel, Big Top Pee Wee, left a sour taste in everyone's mouth. But it's about time for Tim to make a return to his low budget comedies and bring back Pee Wee in some way. And if anyone tells him that the character is too childish for modern audiences, he can respond like this: "I know you are, but what am I?"

Ed Wood (1994)

Sometimes people become so fixated on their dreams that they don't realize they might not be entirely talented. Now doesn't that sound like a good basis for a comedy? But somehow, Tim Burton's Ed Wood manages to be a tale of both failure and success, and sorrow and hilarity. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, the movie is a (mostly) true story set in 1950s Hollywood about Edward D. Wood, Jr., the eccentric man named the worst filmmaker of all time.

Writer-director-producer Ed Wood (Johnny Depp) isn't always the sort of person you would want to be around. He makes unpopular movies that waste investors' money, his habit of cross-dressing irritates his long suffering girlfriend (Sarah Jessica Parker), and his incredibly cheesy horror-thrillers often feature aging actors such as the former Count Dracula himself, Bela Lugosi (Martin Landau). But he's determined to make movies, even if it means writing scripts about giant octopuses and alien zombies. Will he ever be happy?

Granted, this movie did sort of make up one or two things that didn't really happen. And granted, it's not exactly underrated. It won two Oscars and is in the IMDB Top 250, but not many people seem to remember it or know about it. Which is too bad, because it really is a funny and moving film. One of the best side characters has got to be Tor Johnson (Pro-wrestler George "The Animal" Steele ), the 500-pound Swedish wrestler who would go on to appear in many of Wood's movies. (Ed Wood: "How would you like to be in movies?" Tor Johnson: "Movies? You mean like the Mickey Mouse?" Ed Wood: "Sure.") Of course, the snappy dialogue is where most of the humor comes from, like in the scene where Ed and friends get baptized in order to convince a church to fund one of their movies (Priest: "Do you reject Satan and all his minions?" Ed Wood's Friend: "Sure.") But I could fill several paragraphs with lines from this movie. Which reminds me: "It's the worst movie you've ever seen? Well, my next one will be better!"

It does start to get a little slow in the middle, but the best part is definitely in the third act when Ed Wood starts making his most infamous movie, Plan 9 From Outer Space. Using spaceship models on string, an indoor graveyard set with cardboard tombstones, and his friends as actors, Wood made what is considered the worst film of all time. And Ed Wood ends on a triumphant note, as Mr. Wood feels completely reinvigorated about his life and his career ("This is the one...this is the one I'll be remembered for."). And that's the moral of the story: to always follow your dreams, even if those dreams sort of turn out crap.

Forgettable Movie Files - Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)

Merlin's Shop of Mystical FAIL

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders. A happy, joyous, family friendly romp through fields of bright pink daffodils and bumblebees...or IS IT?? Yes, that's right, this is a horror movie marketed for kids. Well, actually, more like two short horror stories connected to Merlin. Well, more like two short horror stories in a story in a movie. Got that? Good. We're about to enter one of the worst family films of all time.

When the power goes out in a suburban household, a Grandpa (Ernest Borgnine) decides to tell his Grandson (Mark Hurtado) a story. Fortunately, he remembers a script he once wrote for TV called Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders, about the famous wizard (George Millan) traveling to our time and opening up a store of "magical enchantments" (must be an adults only store). The story then focuses on two encounters with gifts from the shop. The first short story (within a story) is about a selfish newspaper critic (John Terrence) who goes power mad when he gets a book of Merlin's spells. The second story features a family who come across a toy monkey that kills people by banging its two cymbals together, which causes disastrous events. Enjoy, kids!

So...why would Merlin even have that toy monkey? Did he think "Hmm, I should have a monkey that kills people just in case I want to traumatize an entire family" or something? And the strange thing is, the film begins with the Grandson watching a movie on TV where a gypsy living in a fairly obvious miniature model house is killed by the toy monkey right before the power cuts out, so what is that supposed to mean? Actually, there is one partial answer. The director was so cheap that he took footage from a horror movie he had made twelve years earlier and used it as the second story. Wow. And on top of that, didn't Stephen King once write a story about a toy monkey who kills people with its cymbals? That's a really bad sign when you start ripping off Stephen King in a FAMILY movie.

Now, let's talk about the first story. In it, the snooty newspaper columnist takes the spellbook home after Merlin gives it to him as a free gift and finds spells that allow him to breathe fire and control animals...you know, spells that no one would ever use for evil! In one scene, a spell put on the cat backfires, and he viciously attacks his owner. But the critic fights back by roasting Mr. Mittens alive with his fire breath. OK, that's both unintentionally hilarious and disturbing at the same time.

But wait, there's more. The man starts to age rapidly, because doing a lot of magic drains your life force. Well...of course!! Everybody knows that! But how does the man learn this? Well, the devil appears to tell him so. What the hell?? (no pun intended).

The only thing one thinks of while watching this festering feces is "Who on Earth was this made for?" It often revolves around adults instead of kids, it's a horror movie, and yet that's how it's marketed. It just sucks. As a matter of fact, the only time I would recommend this is if it was with the hilarious Mystery Science Theater 3000 commentary.

Dante's Peak (1997)

The movie Dante's Peak failed at the box office for a number of reasons: 1) It's a disaster movie that doesn't take place in a major city; 2) The title "Dante's Peak" makes it sound less like a volcano thriller more like a coming of age comedy such as, say, Saint Elmo's Fire and 3) It was a big budget summer blockbuster released in...February. But the truth is that the film, starring Double 007--er, Pierce Brosnan--as a scientist who gets caught in a disaster only a screenwriter addicted to caffeine could conceive, is blast.

Thomas Crown--er, I mean, Harry Dalton--is a volcanologist whose girlfriend was killed in an eruption in the Philippines four years ago. Now, he's being sent to the small mountainside community of Dante's Peak to examine some unusual geothermal readings. Then two people die in an overheated hot spring, but as the town has recently been named one of the most desirable places to live in America, the local government is still uneasy to start evacuating. ("You say 'barracuda' and everyone says 'Huh? What?' But you say 'shark', and we've got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July"). As more researchers come in, Harry befriends the town mayor, Rachel Wando (Linda Hamilton). Will their relationship grow? Is Dante's Peak going to erupt? Is the sun going to rise tomorrow? I think you know the answer to all these questions.

Now, granted, the movie really starts to slow down in the middle. It's mostly just scenes of people driving around the beautiful forests of Dante's Peak and drinking coffee. Yeah...coffee. This movie has a strange obsession with the stuff. In what seems like every other scene, someone is consuming or mentioning a cup of joe. Maybe it was supposed to be a movie about coffee before the script was changed to accommodate a volcano? I don't know. But anyways, when the volcano finally blows its top, it's fantastic. From what I've heard, it's a pretty accurate representation of an eruption...except for the fact that the main characters manage to survive everything nature throws at them. Really. That's just another disaster movie cliche.

Speaking of which, I love how Mayor Wando, her two kids, and Harry find the family dog unharmed by all the lava nearby and are able to save him. In fact, just about every disaster movie has a dog that miraculously survives everything. That's like saying, "Hey, tens of thousands of people are dead, but if the dog lives, everything is okay!"

So this definitely isn't a movie to be taken too seriously. In fact, one of the things in it I found most silly was the Wando family's grandma (Elizabeth Hoffman). She's skeptical to leave her cabin house even when lava is surrounding it. Also, she at first despises Brosnan's character ("Oh, you're one of those folks who was sent to Mount St. Helens. Well, nothing happened there...and nothing's happening HERE!") One of my favorite scenes has got to be when Granny and the other characters find two squirrels killed by volcanic gases. "There must be some sort of squirrel epidemic...they're dropping like that all over the mountain." For some reason, I just find that line hilarious.

That's pretty much all you can say about Dante's Peak, that it's entertaining and often funny--despite the fact that thousands are dying in the eruption. Does it have a happy ending? Yes, but actually, it's kind of weird--Dalton and the other characters are all smiles and hugs as they escape from the burning rubble of their once-beloved town. But hey, don't question Dalton's logic. As Mayor Wando says: "A man who looks at a rock must have a lot on his mind."

Forgettable Movie Files - Jack Frost (1998)

FAIL Frost


Hello and welcome to the first episode of the Forgettable Movie Files. At the end of each week, I shall break the norm and talk about a movie that actually deserves to disappear in the sands of time. Enjoy.

Now that Old Man Winter is going on vacation and we've all got spring cleaning to look forward to, I've decided to talk about Jack Frost. This pile of yellow snow does for the holidays and snowfall what the Black Plague did for Europe, it just SUCKS. In it, the once-great Michael Keaton stars alongside Kelly Preston in this family film about a man who comes back from the dead as a snowman. I am not making this up.

Jack Frost (Keaton) is a musician with little time for his wife (Preston) or son (Joseph Cross) until a drive home from a gig with his band in a blinding snowstorm causes a fatal crash. But one year later, his kid plays a magic harmonica or something like that, and Jack's soul comes back inside a snowman. Now, "he's only got one chance to prove he's the world's coolest dad." Groan.

Now is it just me, or does this sound like the perfect premise for a low budget horror movie? Oh, wait, maybe it's because there WAS a low budget horror movie with the exact same premise and title that came out just one year before this...how original. Gee, the screenwriter for this movie should have gone on to write Friday the 13: Jason goes to Kindergarten.
Anyways, I feel sorry for Michael Keaton. He was Beetlejuice and Batman and now...this. He needs to get his life back on track! Well, he's doing some voiceover in the Pixar movies now, so I guess he's redeemed himself. Sort of. But he's unbelievably bland in this movie...I mean, it's a bad sign when the creepy looking snowman puppet is a better actor than you are.

This whole movie is comparable to snow in that it's so lightweight and full of air. Since the premise is rather simple, the filmmakers add in some pointless suplots to fill in time. For example, there's the school bully that every kids movie is required to have, a rather long chase scene, and a pointless subplot about a former member of Jack's band played by the enormous Mark Addy. Really, this guy looks like he ate twelve dozen cheeseburgers and the director before going on set.

Now you're probably wondering, how does it all end? Well, Jack starts to melt in the rising temperatures (take that, republicans! If global warming can melt a reincarnated snowman, then it is real!), his son tries to save him, but Jack realizes that it's time to go. Wait...why now? Couldn't you just move to Alaska or something? I mean, it's not every day your father comes back from the grave! But no, Jack abandons his child and wife in a flash of bright swirling energy, because the special effects artists wanted to show off. Though don't worry about those two. As Jack says "If you love someone in your heart, you can never really let them go." GAAAAHH!!! Too...CLICHED!!

You know what else I hate about this film? The dialogue. Lines like "Snow dad is better than no dad!" and "My balls are freezing! ...I never thought I'd say that with a smile on my face" are actually allowed into the movie. That's another reason why Jack Frost is more like Jack...no, I'm above that joke.

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

Well, it's a Steven Spielberg movie, so it has to be good...right? Alas, this sequel to Jurassic Park hasn't stood the test of time in many people's opinions. The main reason most people remember the original is because of how it totally revolutionized digital effects, and it's hard to top that (will the sequel to Avatar go down a similar path?). Anyways, this film finds Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) from the first movie returning to Jurassic Park's island breeding facility with a team to document the roaming dinos and gain public support for them. Gee...this couldn't possibly go wrong at all, right? But it does, in more ways than one. Corporation workers show up, attempting to put the dinosaurs in a San Diego theme park. As the head villain says: "You already know San Diego for animal attractions. SeaWorld, the San Diego Zoo, the San DIego Chargers..." Um, okay, when I think of "animal attractions", I don't exactly think of the San Diego Chargers...

Many people have pointed out the logistical plot holes in this movie, and the truth is...they're not wrong. The villains actually think that bringing T rexes and raptors into a highly populated city will not go wrong whatsoever. Geez, haven't these guys seen any movies?

But the worst thing in this otherwise enjoyable movie was Ian's girlfriend, played by Julianne Moore. This crazy lady endangers everyone multiple times and most likely causes the deaths of several people by doing obviously dangerous things. For example, she gets close to a stegosaurus baby in the middle of a herd to snap some pictures and brings back a young wounded t rex child to bandage and care for in a small trailer right next to a cliff. Yeah. Does she have a love affair for baby dinosaurs or something?

But I'm getting off track here. My main point is that, despite all the things I just listed, this is one extremely fun movie. I loved the action and special effects, and one thrilling scene where the main characters are trapped in a trailer slowly dangling over a cliff (as implausible as that sounds) is absolutely amazing. But the most entertaining part of The Lost World by far is when a big momma T Rex gets loose on the mainland and tears much of San Diego apart. There's even a Godzilla homage thrown in, with Japanese businessmen screaming "This is why I left Tokyo!!" And that's pretty much what the whole movie is: a fun adventure. And on a side note, at least Ian, who didn't have much to do in the first film, is more written out this time. Though no one really cares about the character development in a movie about giant man-eating lizards, but oh well.

Welcome

Hello and welcome to The Underrated Movie Files. As your host, I will guide you through the lost land of forgotten movies to show you which ones deserve more recognition, among other things. I hope you enjoy it. I also hope I can learn how the heck to use a blog in time.