Forgettable Movie Files - SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004) Part 1

I'd like to say this movie is forgettable. I'd like to say it's just another bad movie you don't care about after watching it. But, I can't. This is a movie that haunts your mind until the day you die. It's that bad. From the top 3 of the IMDB Bottom 100, SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 brings up many burning questions. Who thought this was a good idea for a motion picture? What actors would actually choose to be in it after reading the script? And how could filmmaker Bob Clark go from directing A Christmas Story to this? The movie, which is about a child superhero and his friends, stars a plethora of young actors and Jon Voight. Yes, that's right, Jon Voight. Academy Award Winner Jon Voight.

It begins in an average American daycare center, where a story is being told about how the superpowered child hero Kahuna (played by no less than Miles, Gerry, and Leo Fitzgerald) once helped dozens of kids escape from Communist East Berlin during the Cold War (I am not making this up.). The storyteller here is a tot named Archie (Max and Michael Iles), whose friends Rosita (Maia Bastidas and Keana Bastidas), Finkleman (Jared and Jason Scheiderman), and Alex (Joshua Lockhart and Maxwell Lockhart )are skeptical. But it turns out that Kahuna is real (and apparently doesn't age), and that one of the villians from the East Berlin story, Bill Biscane (Jon Voight) is now a major media mogul who plans on controlling the minds of children through television. Now, from Kahuna's secret playhouse located beneath the "H" in the Hollywood sign (again, not making this up), the babies are going to have to team up in order to save the day.

Poor Bob Clark. The only thing more tragic than him dying in a car crash back in 2007 is the fact that the last two movies he worked on were "The Karate Dog" and this. What was he thinking at the time? During many scenes in this movie, it's like he's not even trying to make a good movie. In fact, roughly the first thirty seconds of this movie is just the four main babies babbling nonsense. Really. Of course, then we find out that baby gibberesh in this movie is actually a secret language amongst young kids and...oh, does it really even matter?!

I could make a list of everything wrong with this movie--the terrible stunt sequences, the jokes involving diaper-related topics, the fact that Kahuna's secret lair rips off the candy room from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory--but for me, the acting is the worst part. And I'm not just talking about the acting from the SuperBabies themselves. All the adults in this movie make the kid who played Anakin in The Phantom Menace look like Dustin Hoffman--that includes Jon Voight, especially in the scene where he's about to take over the world and is most concerned about his glass of soda pop not having a little umbrella in it. Now that I think about, the actors can also blame their horrible performances on the horrible script. Like in the middle of the movie, when Kahuna goes to a "communication station" in his secret layer and talks over the computer to Whoopi Goldberg. Yes, that's right. Supposedly it's because it has to do with some children that were saved, but I think it's just because the filmmakers had a couple hundred thousand dollars they felt like wasting on a pointless cameo. After that, Kahuna calls up the now-forgotten early 2000s boy band O-Town, who proceed to write a song about him: "Mister K to the Rescue! Mister K to the Resc-u-u-u-u-e!" Kill meeee...

I really can't take this movie in one sitting. Plus, there's just too much awfulness to cover in one post. So, I'm splitting this review into two halves. Tune in next Friday...if you dare.